


Mixed Tape and Mixed Feelings

by hungrydean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Coda, Episode: s12e19 The Future, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 20:41:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11089518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungrydean/pseuds/hungrydean
Summary: Alternate ending for 12x19, in which Castiel and Dean actually talk - finally, about the feelings they've been hiding for years.





	Mixed Tape and Mixed Feelings

Dean’s shoulder brushes past Castiel, and he’s off for a beer. He knows Castiel is just standing there, not moving, not following him, but he doesn’t look around. He really needs that beer.

He takes a few big gulps, ignoring Sam who’s looking at him suspiciously.

“You okay?” Sam knows him way too well. Dean sighs, wiping the drizzle of beer from his chin.

He’s tired of lying.

“I don’t know, man. It’s- it’s Cas, you know? He’s not… getting it. I mean, that we care. That he’s- family.” His voice shakes at the last word and he quickly takes another swig. Sam’s reading, but he nods knowingly. He stops and looks up, leaning back in his chair.

“Maybe it’s because… family has never been family like it’s been for us- his ‘family’, the angels, they don’t think about it the way we do; helping each other, taking care. It’s probably different.”

Dean knows Sam is right, but he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it at all. It bugs him that Castiel doesn’t seem to see how much they care… how much _he_ cares. Though he should know after all those years, all those times together.

“Yeah, I guess.” He sighs. He sways the bottle in his hand as he walks past Sam, slowly making his way back through the hall.

When he passes Castiel’s room, the door is open. Cas is sitting on his bed, the mixtape in both his hands. Dean stops, hesitantly walking towards the doorstep.

He sees how one of Cas’ thumbs gently brushes over Dean’s name. Dean’s lips curve into a small smile at the gesture, despite his nerves. He takes a deep breath and clears his throat, even though Castiel probably heard him approach.

“Did you like it?” He manages.

Castiel doesn’t turn around but carefully puts the mixtape on his nightstand.

“Yes,” He says and now turns back at him, “it’s very- you.”

He sounds like that explains everything. Dean just takes another sip of beer and walks in, not sure what he’s doing here, why he’s going here while the idea is scarier than hunting a pack of starving werewolves. But he feels like he needs to, especially now it’s so scary.

“Look.” He stands, beer in between his fingers as he moves his hands around, trying to sound strong, like it’s nothing. “Like I said, you can’t just make us worry like that. And it’s not because we don’t want to worry- we don’t want to worry about _you_ , we want you to be okay.”

Castiel is looking at him in that way he can never read; he doesn’t know if Castiel understands him or not. He seems so wise yet so unfamiliar to Dean’s words, like it’s the first time he hears this language. “I don’t mind having a little more distress, but I- I do mind not having you around. So when you suddenly poofed, we… I…” He puts his beer down. “I missed you.”

Castiel pats the bed. Dean sits down, looking at the mixtape. He’s been on this bed several times and it holds good memories- strong ones. Emotional, but good ones. Good memories with a hint of bitterness and fear; the feeling of acting wrong.

It all started when Castiel returned from Purgatory. That night was their first, and many more would come. Neither of them got it planned, they weren’t thinking, only feeling. Dean was so relieved Cas was back, overwhelmed with emotion and desperate to make sure Castiel was there. And Cas, as always, understood.

One moment, they were talking, the other moment Dean’s lips were on Cas’s and he was stumbling back, pulling Cas on his motel bed, throwing the needless layers of clothing on the floor around them. Rough skin on rough skin, moving together in a way neither of them had ever experienced together, or ever thought they would.

But it happened again, a while later. Castiel had just been cured of Naomi’s spell, had broken the connection with heaven and he’d been filled with guilt. Dean wasn’t oblivious to it, saw the pain in Castiel rise. Before they knew, they were touching and kissing and desperately getting rid of clothes again, and ever since then, it had become more common.

For Dean, the most difficult part was to keep in mind Cas only did it for the sex, the feeling, nothing else. The angel always left, and they never spoke. It was something they’d silently agreed on. Neither of them talked about it. It just happened, several times.

After Castiel got back when Dean had sent him away because of Gadreel - Dean had no other way to express his apologies than to have Castiel take him, hold him and kiss him breathless.

It was awkward and they were both trying not to say too much with their eyes, not to talk. Dean had felt so sorry, he’d been hating himself for sending Cas away with no explanation, had been jealous and angry when Castiel, or Steve, had a date, at least thought he had. 

That night in the car, he’d barely been able to drive away. Seeing Cas stand at the front door with a rose behind his back had made him feel more hopeless and desperate than ever before. So having Castiel those few nights later almost made him cry, but instead, he held Cas close and silently prayed for him to not let go.

For some reason, neither of them stayed, and neither came back. Until Dean had the mark of Cain burning on his arm and the way to keep him human was to give into the human lust and need for the angel, drag him to his room, more harsh and demanding than before, until the mark’s power was too strong and Dean didn’t feel anymore. It had almost been a silent agreement that, when the mark was gone, Castiel showed up in his room that night. Just like always, they never said a word.

The next time, they did speak. Two words. After days and days of endless working and hoping from Dean, Lucifer had left Castiel’s vessel and he was back. Dean had missed him, he almost broke down into a long rant about how much he missed Cas, how he should _never do that again_ , to never leave Dean like that again, never- but he couldn’t speak, he didn’t dare to let those words flow.

“Cas.” Was the only thing he said. Castiel’s reply before he took off his trenchcoat was just as simple.

“Dean.”

As soon as Cas found out Dean was alive, together with Mary, he was there again. He didn’t wait for the evening. He just pulled Dean inside his room, muttering that he’d make sure Mary didn’t hear. It had been quick and filled with adrenaline, dirt sticking on their sweaty skin, both giving Dean energy and leaving him tired of waiting for the day Castiel wouldn’t leave.

Maybe that’s why he came to Castiel the next time, after his mom had left. He needed comfort and, despite himself, love. He just pretended the kisses Castiel was pressing on his skin were love, not lust. He couldn’t blame Cas. At first, he thought all it had been was lust himself. But he soon realised that it wasn’t just that, not for him.

Because then, Castiel left. He kept leaving until now and Dean is sure he’ll soon leave again. The idea makes it difficult not to talk, especially since the current silence is awkwardly long and all Dean can think about is how many times he’s been naked on this bed, how many times Cas…

“Why do you have to go?” Dean asks like he’s a child. “I- I just don’t…. why are those angels better than us? You prefer their plans? What… what’s going on, man?”

Castiel doesn’t say anything. He looks at his hands in his lap. They’re strong and clean and Dean wonders how scarred they would’ve been if Castiel didn’t have his grace to heal.

“So- that’s it? You’re just gonna ignore my question and disappear again?”

“Dean, it’s not that simple.” Cas sighs. “I wish it was.” He gets up and starts pacing around the room, and Dean knows he’s not the only one with secrets he’d rather share. “I wish I could stay. I’d rather… not go. But these circumstances don’t allow me to-”

“Fuck the circumstances, Cas!” Dean follows his example by getting up as well, only to feel more powerful. Castiel stops pacing. “Seriously, when have I ever cared about circumstances? If there was a way, we found it, and we got through.”

“But that’s the problem, Dean, there is no other way.” Cas looks at him desperately. It’s as if he’s on the point of breaking and telling Dean everything. Dean wants him to, but he knows that at the same time, him knowing the truth would probably break things.

“I don’t buy that. There always is another way. Whenever you’re gone, whenever you don’t answer your phone and leave without a sign, or a single message, I wonder if this time, you- you won’t come back. You just stay away forever. Hell, what if you die? I can’t do this without you, man, I don’t want to. I want you to stay with us.”

Cas leans against the small desk in the back. He isn’t looking at Dean, but there’s something fiery in his eyes. When he talks, his voice his louder and faster than normal.

“And what if me staying here puts you in danger? You, and Sam, and your mother, everyone?”

“Then I’m willing to risk it!” Dean raises his voice so it’s louder than Castiel’s. “Come on Cas, you think we can’t handle a little danger? You think I care more about myself than I care about you? Because you’re wrong!” His cheeks are burning, both from the heated conversation and the things he’s confessing without preparing to.   
“Because I care about you more than you know. And hell, I let you go many times. I just let you leave me again and again, but every time you walked away, I was afraid you’d never come back. I didn’t worry about the situation or the consequences because you were there. But when you weren’t- I… I couldn’t….” He knows he said too much, but he can’t find more words. He wants to leave now, but he decides to face his fears and looks up at Cas.

He looks back at him, squinting his eyes and slightly tilting his head as if he is processing what Dean just said.

“You wanted me to stay.” He says. His shoulders lower, they’d been tense and tight. “I never… wanted to go.”

Dean wonders if Castiel is talking about leaving him and Sam, but he knows he’s not. They’re talking about the same, though Dean doesn’t want to believe Castiel just said that.

“Then why did you?” Even now, he can’t help but look at the way Cas’ lips tremble as he breathes, how his hair curls under his ear. He pushes himself away from the desk and keeps looking at Dean.

“It’s what you always did, with… with the girls. With anyone. You left and I thought that that’s your way of doing things like that. You… you thought I didn’t want to stay?”

Dean scoffs at Cas’ confused expression.

“Obviously, since that’s what you did. I’m not the role model for this kinda thing, Cas, you of all people should know.”

Silence. Dean is processing what Castiel just said, though it’s still not real for him. All the time, Cas actually wanted to stay? He only left because that’s what Dean always did. It’s embarrassing that for Cas, the only example of handling this- whatever it was, was Dean. It was his own fault, after all.

“I just thought you left because- you know. I- I care a lot about you and I thought that was obvious so I figured that you just didn’t wanna.”

“Dean,” Cas says, stepping closer towards him with an almost wild expression in his eyes. “I love you. You know that, right?”

“You… what?” Dean opens his mouth, but doesn’t know what else to say.

“After everything I did for you… All the things I gave- for you, you think I don’t love you?”

Dean swallows. Castiel is standing an inch away from him now. He can feel the warmth of his body and needs to feel him again.

He doesn’t answer because there’s nothing to say. He kisses Cas instead, who didn’t expect it and almost falls back. But he quickly finds his balance and automatically reaches to hold Dean.

“You’re an idiot, Dean.” He breathes, not spending too much time on breathing as they kiss, messy and hungry like they always do. But they’re talking now.

“Cas-”

“I raised you from hell,” Cas’ fingers glide through Dean’s hair as he slowly pushes him back against the door, closing it and shutting everything else off. “I rebelled for you, did everything I never would.”

He pushes off Dean’s flannel. Dean is both excited and nervous, a sort of excitement only Cas can bring up in him. It’s being able to be unresisting and docile while fully trusting Cas. Dean’s hands slide over Cas’ shoulders, trailing the muscles.

“I killed and fell for you, I didn’t give up on you.” Cas pushes him on the bed and Dean pulls him down at his tie, trying to silence him with a kiss. But Castiel keeps going, undressing Dean as he talks. His breath quickens. His voice his low but trembles slightly as his hands warm Dean’s skin.

“I gave up an army of angels and my grace, I tried to be human for you, always came when you needed me…” He’s shrugging off his own clothes, simply dropping them next to the bed without looking. 

With a soft whimper, Dean closes his eyes and finds a grip on Castiel’s bare shoulders. He’s afraid to hear more because he realizes that it wasn’t Castiel leaving. Dean had never seen how much he’d been wanting to stay and he realizes how many years he’d wasted.

“Cas, please-”

“I continued to fight, I was weak but I didn’t give up- I never gave up because you didn’t, either.”

He presses kisses all over Dean’s neck, bites the little spot behind his collarbone which always makes Dean shiver.

Dean is overwhelmed. He doesn’t want to think too much now because it might make him afraid. Cas understands, like he always does. He takes off Dean’s boxers, struggling with their legs intertwined. It leaves both of them agitated and eager to take Cas’s off as well.

Only Cas is talking, but Dean lacks the words. He’s better at showing Cas the way he feels by spreading his legs a little wider and staring up to him with eyes that say enough.

Cas knows how to make him squirm and groan under him. He learned how to get the bottle of lube out of the nightstand with one hand, cover his fingers so he can gently press his fingers against Dean, his other hand wrapped around the base of Dean’s cock. 

He gently rubs and pushes until he slides in one finger, knowing how to curve his finger after some messy trying from years ago. He isn’t calm and for now, doesn’t take things slow. Maybe because they’re now sure there will be another time. And Dean doesn’t want him to be slow, not now, not after talking, not after knowing…

“Come on Cas, I can handle-” He demands, pressing breathy kisses in Castiel’s neck. His hand slides to Castiel’s biceps, tugging slightly at his arm, writhing his hips. “Just fuck me, now.”

Cas slides his fingers out but keeps stroking Dean with his other hand, deep throaty moans as Dean marks his skin. They don’t care that it’ll be visible tomorrow. Dean only focuses on Cas’ rough jaw against his own, the hand he presses down next to Dean’s head, the muscles tightening as he pushes inside him. Dean digs his nails into the muscular skin, Cas’ hand gripping on his thighs, rolling his hips down on his. 

Dean loves the burn, loves knowing he’ll feel it later, loves how Cas’ breathing is messy and mixed with groans, loves the rhythm they’re soon picking up, loves the familiar scent, loves to kiss Castiel’s freshly bruised neck. Dean loves everything about Castiel.

Dean’s hand slides from Cas’ arm and Cas grabs his hand, pushes it down onto the pillow and holds it down. With every thrust, he pushes Dean back into the bed which squeaks under the weight of the two strong-built men.

It’s easy to forget how much Dean misses something if it isn’t there, but when it’s back, he realizes this is what he’d been needing. He isn’t shy about it, not now, spreading his legs and thrusting his hips.

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas groans, his hips almost faltering, then steadying and fastening his thrusts.

The air is thick and heavy and sweet. Their skin mellows under each other’s harsh touching, now so desperate to have the other close to their own skin that they aren’t hesitant. Dean doesn’t realize how loud he is as he rolls his hips.  With impatience he gropes at the softness of Castiel’s waist, glides his hands to the surprisingly strong V of his hipbones and then those thick thighs, meaty and all muscle but still soft and warm, pressing tight against Dean’s hips as Castiel fucks him. 

Dean stares at the broad waist and chest and those arms, strong enough to save him from hell. He stares at his firm neck covered in stubble, his jaw and the wet, parted lips, Cas’ blue, bright eyes now filled with dark lust and- he comes without any warning, he stifles his scream into Castiel’s neck as he comes over his own stomach, and the angel falters. 

He tenses when Dean tightens around him, his arms buckle and his back arches when he comes with a few last, hard thrusts. Dean catches him as he collapses exhausted onto the bed, both of them weak and sticky. In his post-orgasm haze, Dean doesn’t notice Cas pulling out and only vaguely feels soft lips in his neck. It takes a while for his breath to ease, to get him down to earth. He realizes where they are and how much noise they made.

“Cas-” Dean breathes, staring up at the ceiling. All those times before, Castiel would leave now. But everything’s different now - Cas is still lying next to him.

“Sam didn’t hear anything.” He says. Dean doesn’t know if Cas just read his mind, or if he just knows. Either is fine. 

They quietly listen to each other’s breathing calming down slowly. Dean has his eyes closed and nearly startles when he suddenly feels Cas’ fingers on his chest. 

He holds his breath for a moment, then breathes out, Castiel’s hand rising with his chest.

“How- how long are you staying?” He’s afraid the answer won’t be what he wants to hear.

“I don’t know,” Cas murmurs. Dean suddenly reaches for him, shifts over and slides into the place in his arm, head right under Cas’ chin.

It’s weirdly comfortable, though Dean has never seen himself as the cuddly type of guy. Then again, he never thought he’d fall in love with Cas.

“Just… don’t leave… not yet.” Dean huffs. Castiel pulls him closer, pressing a kiss into his hair.

“Not yet.”


End file.
